Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
School be like
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: