The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about