Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
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I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
Single and childfree like Jesus
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”