They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
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Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week