The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
You Might Also Like
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.