Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
bought wrong eggs
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?