Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
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[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
🤣🤣
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.