What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner