Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief