[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
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(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents