I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
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Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Um … Hot Wings please
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops