When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
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Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Can’t. Being lazy.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing