[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.