I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
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Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.