“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!