Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.