In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Check out the legs on this baby
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Cashiers are always checking me out
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine