WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Got ya covered
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all