1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
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How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.