Me :
All Day At Night
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints