My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.