[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
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Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective