If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.