Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
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Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha