Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
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I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
somebody come look at this
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am