Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”