Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
How wrong was this guy?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.