me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.