[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
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People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars