Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more