Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face