Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Bike for sale
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.