How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
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HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
house sitting!
Imma just leave this here…………
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.