The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin