FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
My new favorite headline
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
accurate
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.