sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA