*pokes sex life with a stick
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.