FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
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[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
This meal prepping shit easy
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Human are so complicated
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….