It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Bros before Ohioes
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.