When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Pretty much. 🤣
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?