If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
reminder
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.