Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
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*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.