Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
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Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
That’s amazing.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
eggs benadryl
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.