I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
You Might Also Like
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Breaking news:
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Oh the world we live in…
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12