Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
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[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
secret recipe
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Poetry is my passion
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*