Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift