Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
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I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian