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GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce