My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
You Might Also Like
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”