My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
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Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”